This is reprehensible in every way and I can't stop watching it. I think I may have been a wrestling mat in a past life. Or at least, a pair of shorts.

My question is: Just what is he adjusting for so long? What's going on down there, boy?

The Marky Mark track brings back memories I have long suppressed.
This is what the world is coming to. No pun intended.

Meet Patrik. He's the genius behind Cobain in a Coma, one of my favorite sites in cyberspace. He, along with his accomplice Liza, star in an online radio show, blog and even have a myspace. I enjoy living vicariously through their party adventures, orgies and barbeques. I was young once, but now I'm just another old fag who isn't worth linking to. I don't mind, though. Patrik can ignore me, I think he's cute so it's okay. Don't tell my therapist. I have trouble reading while you're on your knees when I have a hangover too.

Here is what CIAC is all about, in his own words:

This blog is gossip, ranting, and political racketeering. Founded by Patrik Sandberg as a reaction to all of the blogs people read that aren't very witty or on point. This blog is for rock n' roll, homo, and party culture.

This is a great site that just keeps getting better. I heart Cobain in a Coma, then again, I'm queer that way...

After 9/11, movie executives must have been scrabbling their brains for a way to cash in on the events that transpired. "Let's do something on a plane, with terrorists, but make it creative... Don't be too obvious, make the terrorists white guys or single mothers..." CUT TO: Me renting the results and having to deal with my own fear of flying, which is rapidly being replaced by a fear of movies.

First, I watched Red Eye, directed by Wes Craven. This film had some pretty great moments, but I am always annoyed by his brunette heroines who are miraculously adept at fighting off psychos. Cillian Murphy has a great big movie star face that's easy to stare at and I think Rachel McAdams is fantastic as well. Good casting, but in the end, it's just a slasher flick disguised as a terrorist thriller.

Next, I watched Flightplan, starring Jodie Foster. Is it just me or does she seem to keep making the same claustrophobic movies over and over? Don't get me wrong. I love me some Jodie, but this one seemed to lack any real intrigue. When the reveal is finally made, I yawned. Nice supporting cast, including Peter Sarsgaard as the Air Marshall and Erica Christianson as the Stewardess. I don't want to spoil it for you, but let's just say she was brilliantly cast.

I think I might be over this genre. I have absolutely no interest in United 93. I know how it ends, so what's the point? I do want to see Snakes on a Plane in a most desperate way, though. I can't help but be fascinated by that one. Talk about the real terrorists! Snakes are super freakin' scary!

It looks as though Nicole Kidman took my advice and married fellow Aussie hottie, Keith Urban, this weekend. I am so happy for her! TomKat has been stealing the limelight for far too long. Nic beat Tom back to the altar, though, making Katie look like the unwed Scientology slut she is. Long live the Australians!



Creepy Smiles Not Included.

Over at Self Portrait as, I noticed a strange little banner appear recently. It led me to Save the Internet, where I learned that:

"Congress is pushing a law that would abandon the Internet's First Amendment -- a principle called Network Neutrality that prevents companies like AT&T, Verizon and Comcast from deciding which Web sites work best for you -- based on what site pays them the most. If the public doesn't speak up now, our elected officials will cave to a multi-million dollar lobbying campaign."

A group of talented broads got toegether "We Are The World" style to record a song about this terrible situation. The Broadband is Kay Hanley, Jill Sobule, and Michelle Lewis. Please, check it out. The song is really great and it's a FREE DOWNLOAD! It doesn't get any better than that, but it could get a lot worse.

So, put on your best activist outfit and sing along!

Thank you to Mike, who pointed my lazy ass towards this clip of Our Lady of the Lips getting into it with those crazy bitches on "The View."

This is a MUST SEE! Sandy's on the show, pimping her new one woman show Everything Bad & Beautiful, but it goes wrong from the get-go. First, she and Star have it out over who emancipated Mimi, then she takes on that skinny Republican girl, who I think won a contest to be a host. Joy Behar runs the fuck away! It's unbelievable. Those women have NO sense of humor...Obviously, they just don't get it. Go see Sandra if you are in the New York area. It's fierce!

Morbid curiousity compelled me to NOT change the channel when Matt Lauer's interview with Britney Spears aired recently. I watched as they talked about tabloids and how Brit gets picked on more than any other celebrity in the entire world. I thought: It's because you deserve it, Dumbass! She mentioned how much she admires Shania Twain and P!nk, but carefully dissed Madonna and kabbalah at the same time. She cried. I yawned. Maybe the paparazzi would back off if she would stop having "Oops" moments every other day. It truly frightens me that she is pregnant again. The only really illuminating part of the interview was when Lauer asked, basically, why she is with Kevin Federline.

Lauer: What do you see in him? What is it about Kevin that makes you love him?

Spears: He’s very simple. Women complicate everything. He’s so simple. His simplicity and just he’s like a boy. He just, you know, and he cares. He cares so much and his—his heart is awesome. He has a really big heart and I love that.

I know she says "Heart", but something about the way she hesitated made me think she substituted "Heart" for another part of his anatomy. It's easy to pick on Britney because everything she says and does screams: Bring it on. I should really try to be more like her though, and not respond to trash.

Oddly enough, Fox News correspondent Julie Banderas has made a big fan out of me. Check it out as she goes off on a clearly crazy evangelical:

After seeing the trailer for Superman Returns, my initial reaction was: My God, It's the world's most expensive contact lens commercial ever! But now that I have had some time, I really want to see it. And I know that it will look really cool with my new blue contacts!

As a kid, I used to fantasize that I was Lois Lane and Superman would come fly me around on the best date of my life. Real life turned out slightly different. My first boyfriend went by the moniker "ZERO", but he did get high a lot... Anyway, this movie has Parker Posey and Kevin Spacey in it, so it has to be good, right?

Continuing the theme of child abuse films: The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things is out on DVD and worth a look if you are interested in seeing a bizarrely unmoving film about a boy who, we know now, never existed. And that is a good thing in this case.

Directed by Asia Argento, who made a similar film about her own life, Scarlet Diva, this Heart was based on the novel by JT Leroy. Argento adapted the book to screenplay, directs and stars in this film. You go, girl! Frankly, having read the book, I was expecting something much more brutal. The story involves a young boy whose Mother is a white trash/drug addict/prostitute and their adventures together after she regains custody of him. The how and why is never explained... Basically, it's a slow moving train wreck with the darlings of the indie film scene showing up to beat, molest and torture the kid. Cast includes: Michael Pitt (Last Days), Ben Foster (Six Feet Under), John Robinson (Elephant), Jeremy Renner (Dahmer), Kip Pardue (The Rules of Attraction), Winona Ryder and Marilyn Manson. The child actors are actually very good and Asia Argento has a unique gift for film making. But somehow, I found the whole thing quite disengaging. Her father is Suspiria director Dario Argento, which makes her the Italian Horror Tori Spelling.

DVD includes a limited edition book of photographs by Mick Rock, which chronicles the "JT Leroy" phenomenon and also some interesting footage of readings, including Savannah Knoop in full JT drag. The more I think about it, I can't believe anyone bought this story. Supposedly, JT went from having AIDS (the initial plan was to kill him off) to being a transsexual (they liked the attention of rock stars too much). Asia, who says she "slept with JT" before the hoax was revealed, explains it this way: "I just thought they make really good pussies these days."

They must, because I'm one of them.

Faye Dunaway is Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest: Hollywood Royalty Edition, a deliciously priced DVD with all kinds of fascinating special features. The highlight on this disc is the commentary track by John Waters, director of Pink Flamingos, Hairspray and Cry-Baby, who says things like: "Christina was lucky. Everytime she complained, she should think what those nuns would have been like in the orphanage. At least she got presents!" and "I wore an ascot in the seventh grade and got beat up." Truly, the entire track is almost as quotable as the film itself.

I was ten years old when Mommie Dearest came out. It hit me on so many levels, but as a child, I only knew that I was witnessing one of the truly brilliant creations of modern times. The film is operatic, it glistens and smolders and rages in a way no other film ever has, or ever will... This is due to the highly committed performance of Dunaway. I am not just talking about the "wire hangers" or "bring me the axe", but in every single line delivery, every nuance, every breath... She is a woman possessed. Based on the "revenge" book by Joan's adopted daughter, Christina, Mommie Dearest is probably the infamous film ever made about a Hollywood icon. Scathing reviews, reportedly, ruined the career of its star, Faye Dunaway, but I adore her in this film. The DVD set me back ten bucks and is well worth every penny. The is the funniest film about child abuse, ever!

There seems to be quite a fuss being made over the 4 million dollar photo of Shiloh Nouvel, daughter of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Apparently, magazines like People and Hello have shelled out the money for the exclusive rights to publish said photo and they are not at all happy with bloggers (who shall remain anonymous) who have jumped the gun and previewed the cover shot on their blogs. Threats of lawsuits and legal action have made the photo disappear from the web. I think that kind of stupid because these magazines are turning down a shitload of free publicity. The actual Brangelina issue hits stores tomorrow and it's not like anyone is going to be able to avoid seeing it. Those trashy tabloids are virtually everywhere.

In order to satisy your curiousity, I present Brad Pitt in a parental pose:



He will make a great daddy.
________________________________
UPDATE: Photo from The Darkhat

Is it just me, or does Zahara seem umimpressed by her baby sister, Shiloh?

Hotel heiress Paris Hilton, whose fame so far has been a product of a) being rich, b) starring in a reality show with a fat girl, c) eating Carl's Jr. to make the fat girl go anorexic, yes darlings, THAT Paris Hilton has made a video. Not the now infamous "One Night in Paris" porn flick we all laughed about, but an actual music video for her new single: (cough) "Stars Are Blind".

Apparently, stars are deaf and unoriginal, too. The single is a thinly veiled ripoff of Blondie's "The Tide is High" and the video, shot on the beach, underscores that fact. The song isn't actually as bad as I was predicting and it actually has me reconsidering my take on Paris. The video is SOOO stupid, we have seen it all before: Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" and Madonna's "Cherish" video come to mind. But neither of those singers hump a palm tree while crooning:
Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride
But when I walk they talk of suicide
Some people never get beyond their stupid pride
But you can see the real me inside
And I'm satisfied oh no oh
Even though the guys are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mine

Except for the random suicide reference, the lyrics are actually pretty funny! And she whores herself for the camera like a pro... See for yourself:



"I have always had a voice and always known I could sing, but I was too shy to let it come out," Hilton was quoted as saying. "When I finally let go and did it, I realized it is what I am most talented at and what I love to do the most."

I, for one, am extremely happy that Miss Hilton has found what she is "most talented" for and wish her the best in her efforts to become the next One Hit Wonder!

You Go, Girl!

Seriously, GO!

I just saw one of the best films I have seen in a very long time. Brick is a film-noir detective story played out in a Southern California high school starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Mysterious Skin), Emilie de Ravin (Lost) and Lucas Haas (Last Days). The film is the debut feature from writer/director Rian Johnson, who has managed to craft a brilliantly original peice of work that pushes the boundaries and defies expectations.


The shortline: Gordon-Levitt plays Brendan, who gets a mysterious call from an ex-girlfriend (Emilie de Ravin). He starts to investigate and is drawn into a Dashiell Hammett-esque world of femme-fatales, thugs and king-pins... You know, high school. From the brilliant dialogue to the excellent sound design, this film is a stimulating and wild ride. If you haven't been feeling the multiplex lately, search this one out because it's worth it. I especially enjoyed the performance of Noah Fleiss (Joe the King) as Tugger. See this before it disappears.

To The Madonna PR Team:

Saturday, June 3rd, Madonna will be back in LA to confess at Staples Center. I missed the first three shows because I saw the Coachella thing and wasn't all that impressed. I have seen her thrice since moving to California; Drowned World, Re-Invention and Coachella. I know I have slagged her in recent months, but she did fall off a horse and has been acting strange ever since.

I notice that some people get free tickets to things like this because, say, they have a really popular blog and it's good PR to comp popular bloggers. Well, my readership isn't exactly astronomical... I am an acquired taste, like sushi - My shit is RAW! And it's real. So, if you happen to be a PR person working on Madonna's tour and you are looking to dump some tickets.... I am your man. My birthday is this month and I have been a fan since... well, since way before she started using words like: Zephyr.

Sincerely,
Saviour Onassis