These are my thoughts about the Academy Awards, as they happened:

Is Jon bombing?

Cowboys are so gay!

Nicole Kidman looks hot.

George Clooney looks hotter. Hello Daddy!

More evidence that Ben Stiller is a complete dweeb.

What the f*ck is Naomi Watts wearing?

Dolly don't need no stinkin' band. Weirdness on top of some more weirdness.

Blah, blah, didn't see it.

Look for more films about Were-Rabbits in the future.

Aniston - lose the necklace. Also, same hair as always...snooze. No wonder he left...

I'd like to thank the people of Earth...

Wait a minute, Gandhi was a real guy?

Pineapple Bliss!

Rachel McWho? Honey, stop with the Bedazzler...

Weisz wins. Nice dress, pregnant, right?

TAB Energy??? My prayers have been answered!

Bacall struggles with the lines. Just make it up, honey, no one will know.

Film Noir. What's the point?

Didn't see it, don't care.

Charlize! NO! How many times must I tell you? NO f*cking shoulder bows!

Penguins win! Nice tuxedos! It's good to see grown men with stuffed toys.

JLo Peron?

The fire song from Crash... Big Aimee Mann rip-off! She should slap that bitch...
Listen to the Magnolia soundtrack again and tell me I'm wrong. Dolly better win.

Bullock and Reeves! Separated at birth?

Geisha must be a beautiful, gorgeous film about the glamorous life of forced prostitution. Sorry I missed it.

I'm as bored as hell, and I'm not gonna watch it anymore!

(Goes to kitchen to retrieve snacks.)

Salma Hayek, smokin'! What a movie star. I love her accent. Baby, you can mangle my dialogue anytime!

YES! Brokeback Soundtrack wins! I still get teary when I hear it.

Hollywood sure toots its own horn on this show. Oscars salute to montages! LOL

What is Jessica Alba doing at the Academy Awards? Was Jessica Simpson unavailable?
Nice Versace though.

Meryl and Lily! At long last... Love this bit. Too much talent! Riffing on Altman is much more fun than actual Altman films. Jesus, this dude is old. Meryl looks great in grape. Memoirs of a Tomlin?

Lovin on the Pimp Song! Every Awards show needs a big production number with ho's and pimps! Bitch brings it home with that last note! Piiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmppppp!

Latifah is Queen of Being Comfortable in Any Room. And the pimps win... Look for Dolly Parton next album, "It's Hard Lookin Like a Ho" out this spring.

Jennifer Garner almost biffs it, shoot! Still nursing, I see.

Kong wins another technical. Why wasn't Naomi Watts nominated? Keira Knightley should be ashamed.

In Memoriam...sad.

Didn't see it.

Ziyi Zhang looks cute. Nice English, girl!

Swank looks swank! She always likes to remind everyone she is a girl. Well done!

Best Actor is... Capote! Will he bark? No . Gave props to Mom, though. Heath and Joaquin don't look that upset.

M&M's are sexy.

What is with Travolta's hair? Creepy. Uber-creepy...

Jamie Foxx in blue silk. Snore.

Best Actress is... Reese! Aww.... Such a sweetie. Watched "Freeway" again last night and have to say that it was inevitable that she would win an Oscar someday.

Trannies everywhere must feel horrible right now.

Brokeback Adaptation Wins! Yeah! Diana Osanna looks hot.

Holy Shit! UMA rules! Uma, Uma, Uma! Nice dress, brilliant hair.

Best Director...Ang Lee!!!! Woo Hoo! Gay mens and women?

Jack is the King of Being Nicholson in Any Room.

Best Picture is... Crash.

I'm bummed. Wanted Brokeback to win. Oh, well. Crash was great.

Now I know how to quit you.