Scarlett Johansson will not be attending the Academy Awards this Sunday because she is "terrified" of another red carpet molestation. At the Golden Globes last month, designer Isaac Mizrahi (of TARGET) blatantly groped the young actress on live television. Though she seems to be enjoying herself, secretly the fondling has had a devastating effect on Miss Johansson. Sources say that she has been plagued by nightmares ever since and that her mother has forbidden her to go to any awards shows in the future. When asked to explain the incident, Mizrahi simply stated that he was merely trying to see what the appeal (of Scarlett Johansson) was. "God forbid some talent oozes out!"

Which brings us to Lil' Kim and what's all over the jail cell floor? Kimberly Jones (aka Lil' Kim, rapper/hip hop blow-up doll), who is currently in prison for perjury, is afraid her gigantic boobs have sprung a leak. Seriously.