Answer me this: How the fuck is Charo still around? I see this bitch on TV commercials, VH1, and in my bathroom all the goddamn time.

And what's up with the fact that she looks exactly like she did on Ed Sullivan over forty years ago? This has got to be one of the greatest mysteries known to mankind...

Don't get me wrong, I like Charo and the things she represents, I just want to know her secret.

Gwyneth Paltrow is ready to punish everyone after a two-year hiatus, because she squeezed out an Apple and a Moses. The Oscar winner thankfully took two years off to emulate Madonna and play housewife and mother. She believed that she had done enough damage to the world and after singing a duet with Huey Lewis, she had achieved everything she wanted two. But the 33-year-old, who is really married to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, has rediscovered her hatred for mankind, and has vowed to destroy us all by working again on "uplifting" projects in the future. She says, "For a long time, I thought, 'I've done it. I've done what I wanted to do. I'm not interested. I just want to be home with my family.' I had no spark for work, but I feel the feeling back. And I'm excited about the prospect. I want to do something kind of fun. I don't want to do anything depressing or mad. I want to do a really great, funny, weird character."

I watched Mrs. Parker & The Vicious Circle, again yesterday. I love Jennifer Jason Leigh and truthfully, had completely forgotten that the Gweneth Paltroll was even in it. I laughed out loud as she, playing an actress, chirped: "Someone pay attention to me!"

Well, Gwennie, I have. How do you like me now?

Madge is 48 today. Wow! Can you believe it? Was it really just one year ago that she fell off that horse and broke all those bones? I looked it up in my diary and I blamed that event for what I describe as "a very bad mood." It breaks my heart to think of her like this:



Of course, maybe horses would treat her better if she didn't insist on post-coital cigarettes. Second hand smoke kills horsies, too, Madonna!

But seriously, Happy Birthday Girl. You just keep freakin' me out and that ain't easy. Here's to you and another year of Madonnaism!

Celebrity spawn are everywhere. With all the new parents in Tinseltown, it will be easier to get into the trendy spots. But I'm still not happy. I am sick and tired of hearing about celebrity babies and the latest "bump watch." For Christ's sake, people! PLEASE, SPAY OR NEUTER YOUR CELEBRITIES!!!

This Hollywood Kid, however, is my favorite. Pictured here in the pajamas her father married Courtney Love in:



Long live Frances Bean Cobain.

Alright, kids. These podcasts are the genius work of one man named Billyboy, who conjures up such strange and fascinating characters... Well, it's just downright hard-to-believe! This is must-hear podcasting from bizarro world... This sh*t has found a home in my link list, filed under "frances gumm."=>

Click the pic or go this way.

This is a little music video I made a while back. I made it myself. No toys were harmed in the making of this video. Enjoy!

I've never been to Germany, but I think I might like it. Based on this photograph, it seems like a lovely place to sit by a fountain and contemplate getting older.