I don’t know about you, but when Gwen Stefani sings: “I ain't no Hollaback Girl!” I tend to believe her. And why shouldn't I? Mrs. Rossdale has never done anything to make me distrust her. Except maybe some of her fashion choices. And how she cruelly forces Love, Angel, Music, and Baby to play her bland backup, in a girl-gang so lame it makes "Switchblade Sisters" seem truly menacing. She gives them individual names, but no individuality. I beg of you, Gwen, set the Harajuku free!

And just what exactly is a Hollaback Girl? I have always prided myself on being “in the know” about popular culture, but I am truly mystified. After scouring the net for about 20 seconds, I found that "Hollaback” is not truly a word, slang or otherwise. Or at least it wasn’t until Gwen made it up. This news is highly upsetting. In the context of the song, we are led to believe that a cheerleader has been bad-mouthing Gwen and rather than hollering back, Stefani will kick the cheerleaders ass. Just the idea of Gwen throwing down with some other skinny bitch is enough to make me laugh. This shit is truly bananas... Which brings me to another reason not to trust dear Gwen.

Stop with the goddamn spelling lessons! Or at least mix it up a little, as in: This shit is neurosis! N-E-U-R-O-S-I-S! Try to impress, not distress. The "A is for apple" juvenilia of this song is infuriating. You are what? At least thirty! Grow up a smidge. So what, your album sucks and has disappointed every 13 year old girl and 35 year old fag I have met. Get on with it! Call No Doubt and beg them to take you back. Like Dallas, maybe we can all pretend it was just a bad dream.